WINNING FROG TALES for AUGUST 2008

Ms. Kelly Kellers
Los Angeles, CA

After six months of being his patient, my absolutely adorable chiropractor asked "How 'bout I pick you up on Saturday night at 6:30 for dinner?" Of course, I said "Yes," and to surprise him, Saturday morning I made some hor'dourves, hoping to buy a little time to show off my 5 acre property in the Sierra foothills.

By 8:30 that night, I'd eaten most of them. I'd also called his office, home, and cell with no response. "Promptly" at 9, he finally showed up, carrying his previously unmentioned, and very sleepy, six year old daughter. He couldn't understand my confusion, shock, or questions as he piled us all in his car. 

While I watched him eat his "diner dinner," (Yes, as in CHEAP diner) and he carried on a narcissistic monologue in search of an audience, his little girl fell asleep in my lap. Me! A total stranger!

When HE had finished his royal meal, we carried her out to the car, and I expected to be home in about ten minutes. WRONG! He expected to rent TWO videos and watch them at his house. I said "no." He didn't seem to hear me.

Arriving at the video store an hour before midnight, he woke up his daughter, still asleep in my lap, and, as she cried, we tramped through aisle upon aisle looking for the videos HE wanted to watch.

When we got to his little cabin in the woods, miles from civilization, he put her to bed while I waited in the living room. Fifteen minutes later, he appeared wearing a silk robe and boxers, then started arranging pillows on the floor in front of the TV. I'm like "no." He's like "yes." (To say I'm freaking at this point doesn't even being to cover it). Now realizing I've given my well being over to a complete control freak, and no one within miles of hearing my screams, I obliged him, lying down on the pillows. Within twenty seconds, he started the movie and the moves. That's when I say "OK. Stop. I'm not comfortable with this." He responded "Stop being so uptight. I'm not trying to kiss you. I just want to share 'breath' with you." You know, I'll remember those words 'til the day I die. 

I told him I wanted him to drive me home immediately. Ha! His answer: "How selfish can you be? I'm not going to wake my daughter just so you can be happy! Didn't you see how tired she is? "

So, I got up off the floor, found his bedroom, shut and locked the door, and waited for daylight. When I heard him fixing breakfast for his daughter in the morning, I came into the kitchen and told him to take me home. The three of us drove in silence. I lived to tell you the story. I also found a new chiropractor. Very cool guy. Very happily married. 

Christine M.
Nashville, TN

In 20/20 hindsight, I should have been suspicious when, on my first session with a new counselor, he suggested he might have the very man for me. Wow! A respected therapist knew a match for me?

When this "match" called a week later, we had a nice enough conversation. (I wonder now if it was the two glasses of wine in my system that allowed it to go so well!)

Later, I googled this guy and found his professional profile, with a photo that was frightening. Definitely not a looker! Still, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I dressed nice, but casually, for our blind date. However, when I opened my door, I was horrified! He dressed like an old man, and was as unattractive as his photo. To be nice, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and off we went.

Driving to town, he asked me to choose between two restaurants, neither of which I had been to. How ridiculous! Then, he told me about his terrible day. Red Flag Number One: Negative attitude, too-much-information, and too-familiar-too-quickly. First impressions were not winning my heart. 

We ended up at a karaoke bar, jam packed on a Saturday night, and not in a great part of town. I had a bad feeling as in feeling really uncomfortable. Red Flag Number Two: Not being sensitive enough to notice that this place would be the totally wrong vibe for a first date. 

When our drinks arrived, I tried, unsuccessfully, to not chug mine down in two seconds flat. When I urgently motioned the waitress for another drink, he shot me a nervous glance. We looked over the menu, and then he asked me what I wanted just before suggesting that we share a plate! I was absolutely shocked and disgusted! Red Flag Number Three: Total cheap skate!

By this stage, all I wanted was to go home, but, he kept the conversation centered on his expensive "toys", like the newest apple Mac laptop and his GPS system. Red Flag Number Four: Bragging about the stuff he can afford, especially after expecting me to share his plate of cheap bar food!

Other strange topics discussed by him at extraordinary lengths: His St. Bernard's recent death.... poor dog died from ingesting dental floss and a yo-yo. I mean, who talks about that over dinner?!

By this stage, there were so many red flags (and what kind of man lets his dog eat dental floss and yo-yos anyway?!) that there was no hope this could improve. Even my Gin &Tonic's were too weak. Or maybe they just couldn't have ever been strong enough.

We said goodbye uncomfortably. He called a couple of weeks later. I didn't answer and he didn't leave a message. Thank god he was smart enough to figure that one out.

What upset me most about the whole thing was that I felt totally insulted that my therapist would have suggested this dreadful man for me. Did he think I was that hard up for a date? Good grief! Good news! I never saw either of them again!


Carol Rogers
Las Vegas, NV

Being new in town, a coworker with the best intentions set me up with her neighbor, a respected psychiatrist who speaks at national conferences. Well, I thought, how impressive! I gave her my email address, and he wrote right away. Then, we had a couple of phone conversations and he asked me to the movies and dinner. 

He arrived right on time at my doorstep on Saturday afternoon. I'd expected a newer, snazzier car, but at least it was fairly clean. I'd also expected he'd have opened my door as he passed by it on his way around the car to the driver's side, but at least he was dressed nicely.

Leaving the theater after a very long matinee, he asked "Well, are you hungry? Ready for some dinner?" How could I not be hungry, as he'd rushed me right past the food counter when we had arrived three hours before! 

Our city has a reputation for some extremely fine restaurants, so as I nodded yes, my imagination was racing as to which one he'd choose to impress me. That was seconds before he turned into a rundown strip mall and headed straight for a sleazy deli across the parking lot.

As we slid into our booth, my nylons snagged on a rip in the orange plastic upholstery. Then, there was that light fixture dangling over the table, inconveniently bouncing light off his bald head into my eyes. Then, he asked "Well, which will it be? Soup OR salad?" I took the dare and ordered both. 

Dinner was completely lost trying to follow his life story. I rationalized that he listens to his patients all day. Now that he has me as his captive audience, why not take advantage and unload his life? I mean, after all, he was picking up the tab for the show and "dinner." But, after a very long two hours, maybe my boredom oozed out, or maybe he heard my stomach growling, for he suddenly suggested dessert. "Sure, dessert sounds great!" 

Here's where it really gets good. Dr. Cheapo walked over to the dessert bar, not asking me to join him or what kind of dessert I liked. No. This man carefully surveyed the choices, then placed ONE single macaroon cookie on a plate and came back to the table. Placing this plate between us, he took a knife and very carefully cut this ONE cookie in half. Being a gentleman, he placed his half on the napkin, keeping mine on the plate. Don't bother asking, please, how our second date went. 

OK, Sisters, it's your turn! Write up your tale of woe in 500 words or less, and submit for possible publication. Who knows? Maybe next month you'll be sharing your Frog Tale with the whole world-wide sisterhood!